[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
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Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.