Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
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Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
yeah 😭
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.