@jakob_huber

*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

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@ozzyunc

Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.

@3sunzzz

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

@RickAaron

2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics

@Jake_Vig

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

@drunkNnaughty

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

@heatherjs

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.