Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
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At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.