Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
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Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.