Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
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You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
When libraries troll their patrons.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.