Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
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thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
This one’s “Alex”.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.