Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
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You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets