ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
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Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Happens to everyone.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…