Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
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Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
When he asks for feet pics
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
as is their right
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home