Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
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FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
finally found a reasonable question
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.