Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
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Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Never forget.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.