me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
wife:The other tag
me:Made in Vietnam

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Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.


Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later


Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.


Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.


[first date]

Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?

Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally


We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.


[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”


In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.