@TheTweetOfGod Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
@iwearaonesie me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
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@TheTweetOfGod 
@isawken this post was so formative to me
@ieatanddrink Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
@ToriTheMom Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
@GeorgiaBruh Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
@thatdutchperson [first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
@Kadayo_Takamini It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
@Cheeseboy22 We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
@WheelTod [In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
@AndrewChamings In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.