ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
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Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.