ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
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I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur