Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
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I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
So glad we cleared that up
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.