Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
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Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*