Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
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wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
and now we wait
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.