Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
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hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Software Development ⛵️
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.