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I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.