Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
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turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.