Memoirs of a Fish Stick
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I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
That’s enough internet for the day
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Waiting for the Charmin
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
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