Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
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*picks up phone
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
My loaf of bread looks terrified
This guy’s not having it 😆
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.