Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
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If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
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If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs