Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
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To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
she has a point
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
shut up and take my money
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
the three branches of government
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
we’re gonna need another temp
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad