@LittleHarmonica

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

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@aparnapkin

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

@jctwritesstuff

Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.

@ObscureGent

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

@InThaBurbs

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

@BuckyIsotope

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

@3sunzzz

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

@UncleDuke1969

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

@Laser_Cat

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

@Cryptoterra

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house