Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
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Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I wish all tests were things you peed on
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house