Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
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My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
never compromise your values
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat