Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
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Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water