*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
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Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning