Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
You Might Also Like
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.