Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
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[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.