Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
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If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.