Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
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Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.