Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
You Might Also Like
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.