Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
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Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Finally, an explanation.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.