Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
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“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!