Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

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I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.


My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.


Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?


Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.


I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.


I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?


People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.