@fuzzlime

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

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@RodLacroix

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

@richardosman

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

@ValeeGrrl

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

@UNDEADTRESOR

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

@CarpeAngela

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

@aveuaskew

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

@JElvisWeinstein

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.