@RodLacroix I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
@fuzzlime Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
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@RodLacroix 
@mariewalsh18 
@richardosman My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
@batsVsupes 
@ValeeGrrl Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
@UNDEADTRESOR Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
@CarpeAngela I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
@aveuaskew I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
@JElvisWeinstein People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
@MonSwanson Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.