Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
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I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
bad news gang
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
That eye roll….