Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
You Might Also Like
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.