men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
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christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.