Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
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Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad