men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
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My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year