Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
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Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
seems fine
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?