Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
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New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
How did we not see this back then?
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.