Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
You Might Also Like
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
My teenage children choosing violence
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for