Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
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Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.