men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
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[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.