Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
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My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”