Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
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I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™