Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”