Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
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“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
The funk soul brother
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…